The Farmer's Wife

DAYS BEFORE THE FUNERAL

The next few days before the funeral are a blur, a feeling of being somewhere yet nowhere, just an emptiness that was so indescribable and extremely deep – total despair and abandonment. I vaguely recall various events here and there – like a jigsaw puzzle, with so many missing pieces. I try to get the picture complete but it is impossible with so many blanks and life just seemed like one cruel, hideous experience with no meaning at all.

That very next day, flowers began arriving, people called, the church got together and for a week superb tasty meals, and delicious puddings were delivered to our home. But to me, nothing mattered, nothing made sense and eating was the last thing on my mind – I had totally lost any taste for life at all. I recall our home being so filled with flowers and cards that we began running out of space. Friends and family milling around, making tea and coffee and conversations where in hushed tones. I wondered around aimlessly, thankful for the support and those around me, yet also wanting to be alone, with my thoughts, memories and devastated state of mind.

The nights, came and went. Two days slipped by and time was of no essence. Then it happened, 29^th November 1993, we had to go and identify her body. Her body??? What a weird feeling, Karen had become just a “body”... Lifeless with no soul, spirit or character... just a body! Fear gripped my like a vice and I was petrified to go to the morgue and there and then decided to not go but to remember her as she was. How could I go to a place where she would be laid out on a cold slap for me to view – it all seemed so cold, so impersonal – this was my precious daughter, not just a body! In the end my eldest daughter Natasha said she would go for me – what would I have done without Natasha? Evonne could not be put through this as she was seven months pregnant. Natasha, my strong child, who took so much on her shoulders – and in years to come, would do so much more for us all. Cope, identify, and arrange the funerals of her own father, mother in law and father in law.

On returning from the morgue, I pumped Natasha with so many questions, and she to the best of her ability tried to tell me what she had seen. She was placed before a glass window, with a purple curtain in front of it. When they pulled it back, there lay her little sister .... her hair still mattered with blood, and trickles of blood that had run out of her nose, mouth and ears. The autopsy report was as follows: Multiple bruises and abrasions of the legs, Bruises and abrasions of the face, Conjunctival bleedings of the left eye, there is a 3cm laceration behind the left ear, large base skull fracture, extending from the right fossa to the left occipital region, Large bleeding into the right temporal lobe and uncus. How crushed her perfect petite little body was. Her lifeless eyes were half open and ........ I cannot begin to imagine what my daughter Natasha had to go through at that moment. I was suddenly angry with myself, that I had not gone with her, been there to support her and still regret this decision to this day. How one’s life can change in a split second – Karen, the person we knew and loved, no longer existed. She was yet another statistic of the South African Road Accidents and was now body number DR 3533/93.