Crushed to the Core

I vaguely remember trying to speak. My mouth was dry, my tongue felt thick and my breathing was shallow. Arms reached out as Noel and Colin supported me. We were standing in a large shopping mall just outside the restaurant. People were going about their every day duties and here I stood so totally alone amongst the crowds.

I wanted to scream at them – “How can you shop, how can you just walk around here? My child is dead, the world MUST stop, nothing will ever be the same again!” We made our way to the escalator ... curious stares were directed at me from passersby .... I was mumbling, eyes wide open and white as a sheet as I dragged my legs trying to carry this dead weight I felt hanging onto me. Strange though how wonderful the human mind is. Amidst all the confusion of those first few minutes your mind demandingly reminds you "what must be done".

"I don't even have money to bury her" I groaned. Both Noel and Colin said that was the least of my worries, they would assist me through the company. We finally reached Noels' car and they helped me in. This is not happening I kept on thinking. My heart was crying out in such agony "Karen, oh Karen. Please dear God, take this bitter cup from me, I cannot drink of this cup, I am too weak, I will not stand this test ... OH dear God help me!" I had severe difficulty in breathing and kept on gasping for air. Very gently Colin tried to reassure me ... "Lydia, we will be praying for you. Remember although we do not understand, put your trust in the Lord, He alone can help you." Someone answered "I know, I know". It must have been me, it sounded like my voice. Already extreme shock had set into my numb body.

All the way home Noel comfortingly held my hand and tried in his own way to let me know I was not alone.

Suddenly my mind was being flooded with questions. "What happened?" ..... "I don't have all the details yet, only that Karen was turning at a robot and was hit by an oncoming car" Noel answered.

"Was she badly hurt .... did she suffer?" ..... "I don't know."

"Where is Karen?" ..... "They've taken her to the Johannesburg morgue."

"What time did it happen?" ..... "At 1pm" Noel patiently answered. A quick glance at my watch told me it was 3.30pm. My mind was in a turmoil, I couldn't think straight and I was still struggling to breathe. My daughter had died two and a half hours ago and I had only just found out. I was devastated, crushed into millions of pieces and every fibre in my body cried out in anguish... "My baby, my precious child, my daughter, my youngest, my best friend ... gone, taken away forever. Oh God, this cup gets more bitter with every passing second, please let it pass, I have not the strength to lift it and drink".