SAYING GOODBYE IS SO HARD!

Our parents are invincible, this is what we as children think, no matter how old we get or how much older our parents get.  My mother was in ICU for about 5 days.  Every morning my father and I would make the trip to the hospital and spend the day in town to visit her in the afternoons as well.   Night visits were done by my daughter and grandchildren.  Living on a farm in South Africa, one does not venture out at night as danger lies and waits for you when you return.  During this time my father become ill with the flu and I eventually had to leave him at home in the care of our caregiver and do the trip alone to see my mother.  It was difficult as visiting hours in ICU differed from the normal hours, so I did not stay for the afternoons as I was anxious to get back to my father as he needed me as well.

When my mother was transferred to "High Care" and this I say with tongue in my cheek as the care was extremely bad, I explained to them that she needed to be fed as she could not help herself.   Even our private hospitals have gone down the drain!!  On my first visit, the patient in the bed next to her had her mother visiting and she informed me that they just dumped my mother's food down and did not feed her.  I found the head sister and told her that if things did not change and my mother was not fed all hell would break loose.  After a day or two I could see my mom had taken a turn for the worst, she hardly spoke to me.  My daughter from Pietersburg called and asked "mom should I come, I do not want to miss seeing my ouma"  I said yes, I think you should.  My brother was still in Nigeria and was due home in two days time, on the Thursday.  I kept telling my mother, "mommy Percy will be home Thursday" and she would just give a slight sound and nod her head.  My sister came through, my youngest brother came ... grandchildren and great grandchildren all came to see my mother.  When my brother landed, he called to say he was jet lagged and would come through on the Friday as they lived quite far.  I told him no, he had to come straight away as my mother was really very bad - she was just this frail frame lying in the bed and every now and then gave a slight groan.  My brother rushed through and my mom was glad to see him, she whispered I love you when he told her he loved her.  Tears flowed, and hearts ached as we all realised that the hour glass was running out. My sister, myself and my two daughters had been trying to get my mother transferred to Pretoria, as we could see she was not getting good care where she was.  Also the hospital was far from me whereas at my sister the Wilgers Hospital was just around the corner from her.  We had been trying for 3 days, but due to germs and infections passed on from one hospital to another they were hesitant to accept her.  Thursday night I told my sister to take my father back home with her to Pretoria, so that if they transferred my mother on the Friday, he would already be there.  We cried and said our goodbyes.  Friday morning, 17 July 2015, I left early that morning to go and visit my mom.  My daughters also wanted to get there early but I called them and asked that they go to the mall before coming so that they could bring jelly and custard for my mother and also a new set of pajamas and vests. I needed clean clothing for her, as her bed was wet when I got there and realised the water had been seeping out of her arm.  I asked the sister why this was happening, and was told it was as a result of the drip that had been in her arm.  Little did I know, it was extreme heart and kidney failure.  Later on my brother told me that someone has said they often speak of a wet death .... when water seeps out of the body.  I remembered that my sisters step father in law had water seeping out of his legs before he died. 

When I got to my mother, the nurse said to me, she will not eat.  I bent down and said "mommy are you OK?"  her eyes were so sad and she mouthed to me in such a slight whisper.... help me I cannot breathe.  I lost it totally, and flew in a rage at the nurse - "you are the one who studied, you are the one with the badges on your shoulders, how can you try and push food down someone's throat when it is quite clear they are having a hard time breathing???!! ... why is she not on oxygen???"  Suddenly things started to happen they rushed in with the oxygen and checked her vital signs.  I sat with her holding her hand and my heart was shattered into a thousand pieces as I realised the time had come.  I could sense it, I could feel it, death was at the door knocking.  Just then my two daughters arrived, and I said "Ouma (granny in our language) is going to leave us"  My girls were shattered, they adored her,  we stood around her bed, spoke to her, and kept comforting her.  My eldest daughter said, mom I feel you should tell ouma we will take good care of oupa (grandpa) she does not have to worry.  I did this, and I could see a change in my mother.  She became peaceful and relaxed.

My mom was a devout Christian, a child of God.  She had gotten saved as a young lady and had served her Savior for as long as I can remember.  She read her Bible through once a year, but due to poor eyesight the past year could not read much.  She was at peace with her life, and knew that when she left this earth, she would be in the presence of the Lord.  As we sat with her, my mother opened her eyes and stared at something .... at times I thought she had died, for she stared in awe, and wonderment for an hour without blinking her eyes once.  It was incredible to witness.  Suddenly I noticed her breathing became shallow, and her vital signs began to drop.  I said to my daughters .... she is leaving us........... they cried and held onto her.  the breathing became more and more shallow, and suddenly it stopped and she closed her eyes,  It was as if she had fallen asleep.  Not a sound in the room, total silence, and a calm and peace filled every corner ... as we looked as her, realising she was gone a light shone on her face and she looked so peaceful.  My mom had no death rattle that they talk about ........ nothing she just closed her eyes and quietly left us.

We sat with my mother for 4 hours in the hospital ward before we could get her body removed.  Family rushed through..... my grandchildren, my husband,  I called my sister to break the news to her, and said do not tell daddy until I am there with you.  I called my brothers and said no need to come through mom is already gone.  I could not believe she had left us.  My heart was torn, ripped out, and my thoughts of telling my father lay like a mountain before me.  He doted on my mother.  They had been married for 66 years and still held hands and cuddled one another........... how were we going to tell him?  My heart ached for my dad, as I knew with his altzheimers he would keep forgetting she had gone and then relive her death over and over again.

Father, our Father in heaven ......... give us all the strength we need to get through this.  Once my mother was taken away, I dragged myself to my car, and drove to Pretoria to my sister...... tears flowed, it was the longest drive ever. I knew these few moments alone in my car would be the only time I really had to grieve my mother's death, as my father needed me now more than ever.

Hard Times

Where do I even begin to start?  My last blog was last year September and suddenly my life took such a turn and all I could do was try to keep up with it.  October last year, my mother had a slight stroke.  I was alarmed when my father called me to come over to their house, to find my mother sitting on the floor.  She says she sat on the bed and just slid off and my father cannot get her up alone.  Between the two of us, we got her onto her feet, hands on her walker, but she could not move at all.  I said, "Mommy walk to the bed"  she answers "I am trying but can't"  After quite a battle she shuffled her feet one after the other and we finally managed to get her into bed.

The following day, I had to drive to Pretoria to collect a Rottweiler puppy I had purchased, and asked my daughter Evonne to ride with me.  On our way home my husband called and told me that my mother had been in bed all day and did not look well at all.  He said to not drop my daughter off but to bring her with me so that we could get my mom into the car and take her to hospital.  We raced home and had such a battle between us to dress her and get her into the car.  She just could not seem to mobilise herself.  Once at the hospital, I explained what had happened the night before and mentioned that I thought she may have had a mild stroke.  I was given "that look" what would you know - we are the trained medical staff here and she was diagnosed with pneumonia.  What???  no way, I was very very sure it was a mild stroke.  Needless to say she was admitted and a few days later was back at home and her old self again.

Sad to say, from here on my mom just got progressively worse.  She was a strapping lady of over 90kgs and dwindled down to about 55kg;s.  Her mind seemed confused and as time went on she was hallucinating quite a bit, saw people in her house, wanted to know who the man was standing next to me.  This went on for a few months and she slowly began to withdraw into her own world.  She ate less and less, and just seemed to have no interest in life any more.  I was taking a lot of strain trying to take care of her, my father who was in the beginning stages of Altzheimers, and my mother in law of 97 living with us.  My brothers and sister and my children kept on insisting I get help, but I was determined to do this on my own and take care of my parents.  But, we are only human, and when I got to the stage that I had burnt the candle at both ends, the family put their foot down and got help for me.

Fortunate (that is her name) entered our lives just in time - how fortunate!  She helped me take care of my parents and was with them from early morning to early evening.  She fed my mother, helped me to undress her and put her in the shower, and once I had washed her, Fortunate would help me rub her body with cream and dress her again.  It was only at bedtime that I had to handle my mom alone, and it was not always an easy task as she had become a dead weight.  We had to do everything for her, and she was now on nappies.  Life became absorbed with taking care of her and my dad.  Luckily my mother in law is still very bright and does everything for herself - a blessing!  I cannot even begin to count the nights I would kiss my parents goodnight after settling them in, that I would lock their doors, and walk the 50 meters back to my house in tears.  I would look up to the sky and plead with God to heal them.  At times I was so tired and so down and then I would be irritated and not be who I should have been for my mother - but I realise I am only human..... however this would leave me with so much guilt that I would come home, run a hot bath and just weep.  Weep for them, for I was watching my mother who was slowly dying and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I felt so helpless, so alone and so afraid.

8th of February 2015 we celebrated my mom's 88th birthday.  All the children and most of the grandchildren and great grandchildren come for the day.  We put a recliner chair for her in the lapa outsite beside the pool,.  We sang her favorite hymns, and I could see she loved having her family around her.  She sang with, but at times was so tired that she fell asleep.  It was heartbreaking for us to see her like this.  She became quiet and spoke very little.  Her telephone calls to the family became non existent as she spoke too soft and was too short of breath.... life was slipping away .........

In April 2015, I went over one morning early, and found Fortunate washing my mother - we washed her in the mornings and only showered every third day as it was just too exhausting for her.  By this time, because she was not mobile she started to develop bedsores on her buttocks.  I dressed them and tended them regularly and won the battle with most of them.  This specific morning, I sat chatting to her but saw she was very pale and not very responsive.  I decided to rather let her get back into bed to rest that to sit in front with my dad and watch TV....as we stood her up and Fortunate held het so that I could pull up her nappy, I felt something warm fall on my had......... blood, and thick clots of blood were dropping from my mom.  I got such a fright, we laid her down and covered her and I ran to the phone to call for an ambulance.  When they arrived my mother's heart rate was below 60 and it took them almost 2 hours to stabilise her before taking the trip to the hospital.  At one stage they were calling for a helicopter to airlift her as they felt she was too weak to travel the 65km to the hospital.  I was beside myself, called my sister and brothers and children and rushed to the hospital.  She was admitted to ICU and was there for about a week and the later transferred to hight care for another week.

Living on a farm, we are far from any hospital, so my dad and I would leave early morning and drive to the hospital for visiting hours, then take a lunch somewhere close by, go back to the hospital and sit in the car and take a nap until it was afternoon visiting hours and then pack the long journey back home again.  this we did every day and it was exhausting especially for him as he was 87.

Well, my mom eventually came home, but she was never the same and just got more quiet, ate less and just slept most of the time.  My heart ached for her, and my dad as I could see how worried he was and how lonely and quiet their home had become.  I tried to spend as much time as I could with them.

July 2015, I was tending to my mother's bedsores, but this specific morning when I opened them, they had literally fallen into two holes.  It was so sudden and unexpected as they still looked good the previous day, so I rushed to the phone and called the wound sister and said I did not think I could get these healed and that I needed her help.  However, when I got back to my mom's room she was once again, non responsive and did not answer my questions..... I could see something was not right, so once again I called the ambulance, and informed the wound sister she did not need to come as my mother was going to hospital.

At this stage my dad was also not so well, he had a touch of flu, so I left him with Fortunate and raced off to Randfontein Life hospital once again.  On arrival at emergency I was informed that they had no beds available in ICU and that they were taking my mother to Net Care private hospital in Krugersdorp.  When I got to the hospital my mom was already there, and when she saw me she said "I have been looking everywhere for you"  My heart melted, I hugged and kissed her and said I am here mommy.  She was admitted to ICU again, and with drips and machines on her it all looked very daunting.  We were only allowed two people at a time in ICU.  My sister and I stood by her bedside and prayed.  Our hearts were breaking to see her like this.  Through it all she still managed to give us a weak smile.  The night sister called us aside and said, she needed to ask us something which was not an easy task to do.  She said, should my mom die, did we want them to resusitate her?  We cried and said no ... if God calls her home, who are we to bring her back..... and so the DNR forms were filled in and we signed them ...... what lay ahead of us, not one of us could ever have contemplated!

So Much to do ... So little Time!

It has been a very hectic year with so much happening in my life!  Last year November we took my mother in law of 96 in, to live with us.  She is now using a walker so cannot live alone anymore.  Both my parents live with us on the farm, mom is 87 en dad is 86.  My mother had a slight stroke last year and is having a hard time walking, but she keeps trying.  Needless to say, being a care taker for the elderly takes it's toll.  It is not that it is such hard work, it is the great responsibility one has with them in your care.  It is the fear of finding one of them having passed away through the night.  It is the constant reminder that you only have them with you but for a short time, and most of all it is a mirror in which I look each day, knowing that someday I too will be where they are!  I am blessed, having both my parents at my age and for this I am thankful.  God has been good all the time!  Danie and I did however, manage a short break of two weeks and went to the Natal Coast at Umhlanga Rocks.  It was great and the rest was like water to a thirsty soul.  We have been back now for six weeks and guess what .......... I need a holiday again hahahaha.  Living on a farm has its pros and cons of course.  Family and friends flock to us to get out of the city life and since we have been back we have had non stop visitors!  I often remind myself that this too soon shall pass.  With all the hustle and bustle I have not been able to get back to my crafting since we have returned.  Feel totally cut off from that which I love doing!  Oh well, maybe perhaps more time in 2015??  Hmmmm I wonder!!  It has been so hectic that I do not even get time to get to my blog!

November month is also just around the corner, and already I am feeling weepy.  this year Karen will be gone 21 years.  How did I get this far?  I often chat to mothers on Face Book who have also lost children and I hear the pain they are going through.  Loosing a child is the ultimate loss for anyone... Nothing can compare to it.  I often want to tell them that it does get better with time, but then I remember how I felt when people said those empty words to me in the beginning.  To grieve is a personal matter, and each one must grieve in their own time and space.  Yes, 21 years, and still I have days that I miss her so terribly and wish I could turn back the clock in time.  Will I ever forget that day? 26 November 1993?  I think not!

This is crazy!!  How did Christmas come and go, and come and go again, and I have not been back here in over a year!  Well, things happen and one tends to get side tracked in so many ways.  It has been a very busy year and I got so engrossed into my creative ideas, that a blog was most likely the last thing on  my mind. 

I opened a website with all the various creations I have done this year.  I have had so much fun, that I want to start a blog as well - Yeah yeah I can already hear what you are thinking - another Blog and she cannot even keep this one up to date hahahaha.  In for a penny, in for a pound - hope I can get back to my blogs more often!

As I said this year has been extremely busy and my mother in law of 95 has now come to live with us!  I can only hope that if I ever reach such a ripe old age that my mind would still be as alert as hers!  She reads two to three books a day - on her kindle, can operate a cell phone, knows how to work the DSTV remote, plays Rummy Cup and is a whizz at building puzzles! 

My own parents, 85 & 86 are both still alive and live on the farm with us.  They are both healthy, but my father seems to be starting with altzheimers.  So sad to see a man who once was energetic and did almost anything, like climbing on a roof at age 82 ...... now can barely remember how to change a plug.  I love them so much and it is a scarey thought to know that I will not have them around for ever!

My eldest grandson started working this year, my second eldest finished High School and is on his way to University.  He has played sevens rugby in Mauritius this year and is highly sought after for his rugby.  Was captain of the first team at the school that bought him!  Now his brother has been bought by the same school also for rugby and because he is a great academic student - hardly learns and then comes with a report card in the 90%.   My one and only granddaughter turns eighteen in a few days time ............. something tells me I am getting old!!!!

It has also been busy on the farm, peaches are harvested, maize is planted, tomatoes are coming into harvest and soon the planting of cabbages will begin! 

Well the clock in running out and in exactly four hours and ten minutes 2013 will be done and dusted and we enter another new year.  May our Father make His face to shine upon each one of you, make your paths straight, heal broken lives and hearts, bring loved ones together again.  May He fill your cupboards and pockets, but above all may you find peace, joy and love!  May 2014 be blessed for you all!

Wow almost Christmas ... again?  How time flies, and the older I get the quicker it seems to pass.  I had a hard time this year getting through the month of November.  Memories of Karen were so vivid and the more I thought about her the more I missed her!  I kept asking myself, will this ever really get better?  It has been so long now, and yet it is always an ever present memory and a sad ache inside that just stays there year in and year out.  I miss her constantly, and wonder what her life would have been like now, had she still been with us.  But then I comfort myself with thoughts of all the sad things that have happened over the years, and think to myself - Karen missed them all .... but then I rock to the other side of great and wonderful things that have happened and think again - she missed all of this as well.  I often find myself wanting to tell or show her something .... often wondering what her comment would have been on certain issues!

But, life goes on regardless - and so I pick the pieces up every now and then and move forward.  This is what she would expect of me - she loved life and lived it to the fullest and would want me, us all to do the same!

Life on the farm is busy, busy, busy.  It is planting time and harvest time for peaches.  Danie has already picked thousands of crates of peaches - maize has been planted, tomatoes are in and very soon he will be starting to plant cabbage for the winter.  What an amazing man he is!  To still be so on the go and work so hard at the age of 71!  He loves his farming, and I would not have it any other way!  I love this time of the year when we have plenty of peaches ...... time for jam making, not forgetting the figs, which are almost ready!

I have been very busy with a lot of my craft work and have so much fun with new ideas.  I also created a website for my self where my craft work can be seen - Go check it out and keep coming back as I keep adding new things!  www.ucanbcreative.webnode.com.  I also went a step further and started taking art classes - my first attempt was at Folk Art and then I painted my first picture!  Never thought I could ever do this, but hey I did it!  Next year I want to concentrate on the Folk Art, it is such a challenge!

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A short blog, just so that you know I am still alive and kicking!!  Hoping to be back soon, and perhaps in the new year be more regular - Yeah sure!  I keep saying this but so much happens in between.  While some are afraid of the world coming to an end on 21st December ..... hahahah I am planning on what to do next year! 

So proud of my sister, she is a very much inspired writer and hopes to one day get her work published!  At the moment she is busy with an awesome book - The Piano.  I am totally addicted to the story and am sure - this is the one that will hit the market!

Keep well, May the Blessings of our Father be with you and all your families during this season - when we remember a Saviour who was born for us!

 I cannot believe how time and life passes by so quickly!  I have come to the conclusion that there are two factors which affect us - Technology and age....  Technology has its pro's and con's for sure - but has invaded our privacy in life!  No longer do we need to wait a week or two for a letter to be delivered in our post box .. Email is immediate!  No longer do we need to ask the operator to connect us to a certain number, it is immediate via cell phone. A sms message, a BBM, Face book, Twitter, Whatsapp (just to mention a few) beep and someone has found you - whether it be on holiday, on the road or perhaps even in church on a Sunday when you have forgotten to turn the cell off!  Everything is instant today, quick and fast and so we get so much more done in less time, but then so much more is expected of us due to technology!  Anyone can contact you at any time of day or night ... Come on now, give me a break!!  How many lotteries am I still going to win, without having even bought a ticket ... and how many times must I be the beneficiary to millions to some or other poor departed soul who has no family ... even the scumbags can get a hold of us via technology!!

Then on the other hand, I would rather agree that age has a lot to do with why I do not get so much done as I did ten years ago - I am older and slower and time is of no essence to me!  Tomorrow is another day!  I so want to keep the blog up to date, and must still finish Karen's story!  However, I have been keeping myself busy with a number of creative things I do ... taking old and making it new again.  This has become a favourite pastime for me and you can go check out the goodies I have done by clicking on this link:  

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150539784728072.434947.581228071&type=3&l=106d5cd988

Until next time ... when I get time ........ Whatever I will be back !!!  Till then take care and God Bless xxx

ICU

On opening my blog I notice that the last time I blogged was the 19th of December! How ironic .... little did I know that exactly one month from this day I would fall violently ill and almost die! 2012 made its' appearance as every other new year, with the hope of a better year than 2011. I am sure this is everyone's hope, while we make resolutions and turn over new leaves! It was 4pm, 17th January 2012. Danie and I were sitting outside watching the new Rottweiler puppies, and just enjoying the setting sun and peacefulness of the farm. I suddenly felt very strange and told him I feel sick and was going to lie down. Fever raged the whole night through, with Danie trying to break it with Disprins. The next morning I still felt rotten, but put it down to the normal 24hour bug that normally goes around. Danie kept wanting to take me to the doctor, as he could not break my temperature and every fiber of my body ached! I kept assuring him that I would be fine if I could just spend the day in bed and sleep it off. Another night of fever, wet pajamas and chills passed, and when morning broke I told him I needed to get to a doctor and fast ... it was exactly one month from my last blog - 19th January 2012!

From this moment I remember very little except a flash here and there, vomiting in the doctors rooms, lying on a bed at the consulting rooms on a drip, and then in a bed in hospital. I vaguely remember my parents, Danie and children around me and then being wheeled to ICU late that night. I had somehow developed and extremely serious lung infection and was coughing up bright red blood and having extreme difficulty breathing. The first seven days in ICU are a blur of beeping machines, pipes and needles stuck in my arms, a catheter and a drain in my right lung.

I was put on some or other weird machine that helped me to breathe but looked more like a fighter pilot with the contraption strapped to my face. I had to sleep like this every night but was thankful for the strong medication which knocked me out. In the day it was one hour off the machine and four hours on !! What a nightmare!

As the days dragged on, each day I got a little better and began to regain my strength. After much prayer from family and friends I was sent home after 12 days in ICU. I have now regained my strength, am back to myself again. In the interim, my 85 year old mother got ill and had an emergency operation to remove her gall bladder which had gone rotten and was poisoning her body - she was in ICU for a week! A month later a close and much loved family member died of aggressive cancer.

However amid all the sadness, my two daughters and I, went on a long awaited dream come true - cruised on the Sinfonia to Maputo, Portuguese Island and back to Durban - awesome time!

For those who have been following Karen's story .... I will start blogging again and hopefully on a more regular basis! Today my father turned 84 and my mother is now 85. How blessed am I?? So blessed that I can wake up each day with a song in my heart, grateful to my Heavenly Father for all His amazing blessings he has bestowed on me! I would have loved to have seen Karen again, but realise that my other two children, my husband, parents and family still need this crazy nut to be around! Thank you Jesus for restoring my health, and giving me a new lease on life, help me NOT to waste it!

DAYS BEFORE THE FUNERAL

The next few days before the funeral are a blur, a feeling of being somewhere yet nowhere, just an emptiness that was so indescribable and extremely deep – total despair and abandonment. I vaguely recall various events here and there – like a jigsaw puzzle, with so many missing pieces. I try to get the picture complete but it is impossible with so many blanks and life just seemed like one cruel, hideous experience with no meaning at all.

That very next day, flowers began arriving, people called, the church got together and for a week superb tasty meals, and delicious puddings were delivered to our home. But to me, nothing mattered, nothing made sense and eating was the last thing on my mind – I had totally lost any taste for life at all. I recall our home being so filled with flowers and cards that we began running out of space. Friends and family milling around, making tea and coffee and conversations where in hushed tones. I wondered around aimlessly, thankful for the support and those around me, yet also wanting to be alone, with my thoughts, memories and devastated state of mind.

The nights, came and went. Two days slipped by and time was of no essence. Then it happened, 29^th November 1993, we had to go and identify her body. Her body??? What a weird feeling, Karen had become just a “body”... Lifeless with no soul, spirit or character... just a body! Fear gripped my like a vice and I was petrified to go to the morgue and there and then decided to not go but to remember her as she was. How could I go to a place where she would be laid out on a cold slap for me to view – it all seemed so cold, so impersonal – this was my precious daughter, not just a body! In the end my eldest daughter Natasha said she would go for me – what would I have done without Natasha? Evonne could not be put through this as she was seven months pregnant. Natasha, my strong child, who took so much on her shoulders – and in years to come, would do so much more for us all. Cope, identify, and arrange the funerals of her own father, mother in law and father in law.

On returning from the morgue, I pumped Natasha with so many questions, and she to the best of her ability tried to tell me what she had seen. She was placed before a glass window, with a purple curtain in front of it. When they pulled it back, there lay her little sister .... her hair still mattered with blood, and trickles of blood that had run out of her nose, mouth and ears. The autopsy report was as follows: Multiple bruises and abrasions of the legs, Bruises and abrasions of the face, Conjunctival bleedings of the left eye, there is a 3cm laceration behind the left ear, large base skull fracture, extending from the right fossa to the left occipital region, Large bleeding into the right temporal lobe and uncus. How crushed her perfect petite little body was. Her lifeless eyes were half open and ........ I cannot begin to imagine what my daughter Natasha had to go through at that moment. I was suddenly angry with myself, that I had not gone with her, been there to support her and still regret this decision to this day. How one’s life can change in a split second – Karen, the person we knew and loved, no longer existed. She was yet another statistic of the South African Road Accidents and was now body number DR 3533/93.

Nightmare Reality

I have many times tried to recall the events that followed that evening but they remain a mystery to me. It frustrates me because I cannot seem to remember in what sequence they took place. With our telephone out of order I could contact no-one and had to rely on my family to make the necessary calls. As each second passed I kept on thinking of how many hours Karen had been dead. The thought of her lying somewhere alone in a morgue was unbearable. All I wanted was for her to come home.

There are no words to describe the pain I felt inside. I was hurting and felt terribly afraid and lost. Over and over a picture flashed through my mind ..... Karen turning at a robot. I could see her - happy, music playing on her car tape .... Then, without warning, another vehicle hitting her car. I see her little body jerk from the impact, I see blood and hear her scream. I hear glass shatter and metal scraping - and then - a moment's silence. Suddenly, people all around her trying to help, and I am not there. She is alone amongst strangers and dies without one of her family at her side. I shut my eyes tight, tears flow as I try to push this picture out of my mind ... only to have it return moments later.

Family and friends began arriving. I remember each one, silent and at a loss for words. Stunned at the tragedy which had struck us so suddenly. I was anxious to see Evonne and Natasha, but also afraid because I did not know what to expect or what to say to them. I think I was more afraid of seeing their pain and heartache ... something I realised I would not be able to protect them from. Gerrie and Evonne walked in and my heart twisted in anguish. Her eyes were red and swollen, unbelief and horror written so clearly all over her face. She wrapped her arms around me and sobbed. My youngest brother and his family arrived and a while later my parents. We hugged each other and cried and each one tried their best to comfort me with words of encouragement and love. Tessa came, and when I saw her my last hope of Karen being alive faded. They had not swopped cars as they sometimes did. When I think back now of this hope I had, I feel guilty, but I suppose this is only being what they call "human".

When Craig walked in, my mind was suddenly alert and my attention totally focused. Craig was one of Karen's friends from work. I instinctively knew he would have been at the scene of the accident and would be able to tell us more of what had happened. He was pale and still in a state of shock. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. It is such a shock" he whispered, fighting back the tears. "Were you there, did you see what happened?" I asked frantically. "I was two cars behind Karen. The robot was green for her, and she was waiting to turn right. There was a car in front of her. I'm not sure if the other car had stalled but it would not move. I don't know if Karen became impatient or if she was afraid the robot would change and she would caught in the middle of the road ... but she suddenly pulled out behind the car and turned. She never saw the minibus coming from the other direction. The minibus was travelling at a very high speed and it's on a steep downhill. Seeing the red robot, and most likely not wanting to stop, or could not stop at that speed, the minibus slipped to the left on the slipway, then proceeded to travel straight, and so hitting Karen’s car full on, and threw her car thirteen meters across the road into the robot. What we were hearing was awful, but I desperately needed to know every little detail of what had happened. "Was she alive, was she badly hurt, did she say anything to you ...?" The questions would not stop. I had to know! I had to know! And here was someone who was one of the last people Karen had contact with before she died. I knew it was hard on Craig but at that moment nothing mattered more than knowing. Craig, searching for words, tried his best to answer the questions pouring from me. "Karen never said anything. When I reached her car she was bleeding from her nose and mouth. Fred and I took her out and laid her on the ground as we were afraid that she may have chocked .... she seemed to have had difficulty in breathing ... then the paramedics arrived and took over. She wasn't conscious and I am sure she never suffered any pain. One thing was strange, her hands were still on the steering wheel ... not clenched but relaxed and she had a faint smile on her face." Craig took a few steps forward and held out his hand. "I took off watch, I was afraid someone would steal it." Clutching the watch in my hands, I thanked Craig. He would never know what this meant to me. It was a sort of contact with Karen. Over and over I kept on thinking; this was one of the last things that touched her. I wanted to cherish it forever. "Where is Marion I asked my parents?" suddenly realising that my sister had not yet arrived. "Her office has gone out to Hartebeespoort Dam for the day. Noel is only expecting her back home at seven." "You mean she doesn't know yet?" I whispered. "Noel will tell her when she gets home and then they will also come over." my father answered. I can't remember much of what took place for the next hour or so. My mind was in such a turmoil and my eyes ached from the constant flow of tears. All I wanted was for this to stop! Someone to tell me it did not really happen, but each aching moment dragged on. Minutes turned into hours and I knew these would turn into days, months and eventually years. My mind kept rebelling against the thought of how final death is. Marion and Noel arrived; I have no idea what time, because time meant nothing to me now. Life had little meaning, I just wanted to roll over and die as well. How could I go on living when a vital part of me was dead? Does not a child bury the parent? Aren't parents supposed to grow old and die before their children? Is that not the natural course of life? Nothing made sense; all was out of and beyond my control. Much later that evening Natasha and Martin finally arrived. At least my mind could now have a fragile bit of peace .... both my other children were at least safe and with me. We held on to each other tightly, each one desperately trying to draw strength from the other. Natasha was strained, and I could sense an anger growing inside of her .... I knew she wanted to know how God could have allowed something like this to happen. Someone made tea and coffee and we tried to comfort one another as the hours passed. It was late when the family began to leave, and as we hugged each other goodbye, I realised that one knows when you are saying goodbye for the very last time. Tasha and Evonne prepared sleeping place for themselves and Marcell and insisted that Hennie and I go to bed to rest. As I lay in my bed with the soft glow of the bedside lamp beside me, total exhaustion began seeping through my body ....... but knowing this would be the first night Karen would not be home was too much to bear. My heart ached for her. How could I be lying on a soft bed, warm between the sheets, while she was lying on a cold slab in a morgue. "O my God!! Help me!" I silently cried on the inside and felt once again the warm tears flow over my face. Softly and apprehensively, Tasha and Evonne entered our bedroom and insisted that we each take a sleeping pill so that we could rest. I wanted so much to escape and gladly accepted. Within minutes I felt the room begin to spin and finally fell asleep. Saturday morning as I opened my eyes to the sharp, bright rays of sunlight filtering through the curtains, my very first thought was "KAREN IS DEAD!" The dull ache inside, the turmoil, the horrible dead, dull feeling inside of me returned in all its fury. It was the beginning of a new day, and the beginning of a new way of life for me. I would have to learn all over again how to live ..... you see I had also died the day before. How I was to accomplish this, I did not know ........ I had never been this way before, a journey I was to discover gave me no answers, no solutions - a journey that would continually raise questions.