I have many times tried to recall the events that followed that evening but they remain a mystery to me. It frustrates me because I cannot seem to remember in what sequence they took place. With our telephone out of order I could contact no-one and had to rely on my family to make the necessary calls. As each second passed I kept on thinking of how many hours Karen had been dead. The thought of her lying somewhere alone in a morgue was unbearable. All I wanted was for her to come home.
There are no words to describe the pain I felt inside. I was hurting and felt terribly afraid and lost. Over and over a picture flashed through my mind ..... Karen turning at a robot. I could see her - happy, music playing on her car tape .... Then, without warning, another vehicle hitting her car. I see her little body jerk from the impact, I see blood and hear her scream. I hear glass shatter and metal scraping - and then - a moment's silence. Suddenly, people all around her trying to help, and I am not there. She is alone amongst strangers and dies without one of her family at her side. I shut my eyes tight, tears flow as I try to push this picture out of my mind ... only to have it return moments later.
Family and friends began arriving. I remember each one, silent and at a loss for words. Stunned at the tragedy which had struck us so suddenly. I was anxious to see Evonne and Natasha, but also afraid because I did not know what to expect or what to say to them. I think I was more afraid of seeing their pain and heartache ... something I realised I would not be able to protect them from. Gerrie and Evonne walked in and my heart twisted in anguish. Her eyes were red and swollen, unbelief and horror written so clearly all over her face. She wrapped her arms around me and sobbed. My youngest brother and his family arrived and a while later my parents. We hugged each other and cried and each one tried their best to comfort me with words of encouragement and love. Tessa came, and when I saw her my last hope of Karen being alive faded. They had not swopped cars as they sometimes did. When I think back now of this hope I had, I feel guilty, but I suppose this is only being what they call "human".
When Craig walked in, my mind was suddenly alert and my attention totally focused. Craig was one of Karen's friends from work. I instinctively knew he would have been at the scene of the accident and would be able to tell us more of what had happened. He was pale and still in a state of shock. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. It is such a shock" he whispered, fighting back the tears. "Were you there, did you see what happened?" I asked frantically. "I was two cars behind Karen. The robot was green for her, and she was waiting to turn right. There was a car in front of her. I'm not sure if the other car had stalled but it would not move. I don't know if Karen became impatient or if she was afraid the robot would change and she would caught in the middle of the road ... but she suddenly pulled out behind the car and turned. She never saw the minibus coming from the other direction. The minibus was travelling at a very high speed and it's on a steep downhill. Seeing the red robot, and most likely not wanting to stop, or could not stop at that speed, the minibus slipped to the left on the slipway, then proceeded to travel straight, and so hitting Karen’s car full on, and threw her car thirteen meters across the road into the robot. What we were hearing was awful, but I desperately needed to know every little detail of what had happened. "Was she alive, was she badly hurt, did she say anything to you ...?" The questions would not stop. I had to know! I had to know! And here was someone who was one of the last people Karen had contact with before she died. I knew it was hard on Craig but at that moment nothing mattered more than knowing. Craig, searching for words, tried his best to answer the questions pouring from me. "Karen never said anything. When I reached her car she was bleeding from her nose and mouth. Fred and I took her out and laid her on the ground as we were afraid that she may have chocked .... she seemed to have had difficulty in breathing ... then the paramedics arrived and took over. She wasn't conscious and I am sure she never suffered any pain. One thing was strange, her hands were still on the steering wheel ... not clenched but relaxed and she had a faint smile on her face." Craig took a few steps forward and held out his hand. "I took off watch, I was afraid someone would steal it." Clutching the watch in my hands, I thanked Craig. He would never know what this meant to me. It was a sort of contact with Karen. Over and over I kept on thinking; this was one of the last things that touched her. I wanted to cherish it forever. "Where is Marion I asked my parents?" suddenly realising that my sister had not yet arrived. "Her office has gone out to Hartebeespoort Dam for the day. Noel is only expecting her back home at seven." "You mean she doesn't know yet?" I whispered. "Noel will tell her when she gets home and then they will also come over." my father answered. I can't remember much of what took place for the next hour or so. My mind was in such a turmoil and my eyes ached from the constant flow of tears. All I wanted was for this to stop! Someone to tell me it did not really happen, but each aching moment dragged on. Minutes turned into hours and I knew these would turn into days, months and eventually years. My mind kept rebelling against the thought of how final death is. Marion and Noel arrived; I have no idea what time, because time meant nothing to me now. Life had little meaning, I just wanted to roll over and die as well. How could I go on living when a vital part of me was dead? Does not a child bury the parent? Aren't parents supposed to grow old and die before their children? Is that not the natural course of life? Nothing made sense; all was out of and beyond my control. Much later that evening Natasha and Martin finally arrived. At least my mind could now have a fragile bit of peace .... both my other children were at least safe and with me. We held on to each other tightly, each one desperately trying to draw strength from the other. Natasha was strained, and I could sense an anger growing inside of her .... I knew she wanted to know how God could have allowed something like this to happen. Someone made tea and coffee and we tried to comfort one another as the hours passed. It was late when the family began to leave, and as we hugged each other goodbye, I realised that one knows when you are saying goodbye for the very last time. Tasha and Evonne prepared sleeping place for themselves and Marcell and insisted that Hennie and I go to bed to rest. As I lay in my bed with the soft glow of the bedside lamp beside me, total exhaustion began seeping through my body ....... but knowing this would be the first night Karen would not be home was too much to bear. My heart ached for her. How could I be lying on a soft bed, warm between the sheets, while she was lying on a cold slab in a morgue. "O my God!! Help me!" I silently cried on the inside and felt once again the warm tears flow over my face. Softly and apprehensively, Tasha and Evonne entered our bedroom and insisted that we each take a sleeping pill so that we could rest. I wanted so much to escape and gladly accepted. Within minutes I felt the room begin to spin and finally fell asleep. Saturday morning as I opened my eyes to the sharp, bright rays of sunlight filtering through the curtains, my very first thought was "KAREN IS DEAD!" The dull ache inside, the turmoil, the horrible dead, dull feeling inside of me returned in all its fury. It was the beginning of a new day, and the beginning of a new way of life for me. I would have to learn all over again how to live ..... you see I had also died the day before. How I was to accomplish this, I did not know ........ I had never been this way before, a journey I was to discover gave me no answers, no solutions - a journey that would continually raise questions.
