SAYING GOODBYE IS SO HARD!

Our parents are invincible, this is what we as children think, no matter how old we get or how much older our parents get.  My mother was in ICU for about 5 days.  Every morning my father and I would make the trip to the hospital and spend the day in town to visit her in the afternoons as well.   Night visits were done by my daughter and grandchildren.  Living on a farm in South Africa, one does not venture out at night as danger lies and waits for you when you return.  During this time my father become ill with the flu and I eventually had to leave him at home in the care of our caregiver and do the trip alone to see my mother.  It was difficult as visiting hours in ICU differed from the normal hours, so I did not stay for the afternoons as I was anxious to get back to my father as he needed me as well.

When my mother was transferred to "High Care" and this I say with tongue in my cheek as the care was extremely bad, I explained to them that she needed to be fed as she could not help herself.   Even our private hospitals have gone down the drain!!  On my first visit, the patient in the bed next to her had her mother visiting and she informed me that they just dumped my mother's food down and did not feed her.  I found the head sister and told her that if things did not change and my mother was not fed all hell would break loose.  After a day or two I could see my mom had taken a turn for the worst, she hardly spoke to me.  My daughter from Pietersburg called and asked "mom should I come, I do not want to miss seeing my ouma"  I said yes, I think you should.  My brother was still in Nigeria and was due home in two days time, on the Thursday.  I kept telling my mother, "mommy Percy will be home Thursday" and she would just give a slight sound and nod her head.  My sister came through, my youngest brother came ... grandchildren and great grandchildren all came to see my mother.  When my brother landed, he called to say he was jet lagged and would come through on the Friday as they lived quite far.  I told him no, he had to come straight away as my mother was really very bad - she was just this frail frame lying in the bed and every now and then gave a slight groan.  My brother rushed through and my mom was glad to see him, she whispered I love you when he told her he loved her.  Tears flowed, and hearts ached as we all realised that the hour glass was running out. My sister, myself and my two daughters had been trying to get my mother transferred to Pretoria, as we could see she was not getting good care where she was.  Also the hospital was far from me whereas at my sister the Wilgers Hospital was just around the corner from her.  We had been trying for 3 days, but due to germs and infections passed on from one hospital to another they were hesitant to accept her.  Thursday night I told my sister to take my father back home with her to Pretoria, so that if they transferred my mother on the Friday, he would already be there.  We cried and said our goodbyes.  Friday morning, 17 July 2015, I left early that morning to go and visit my mom.  My daughters also wanted to get there early but I called them and asked that they go to the mall before coming so that they could bring jelly and custard for my mother and also a new set of pajamas and vests. I needed clean clothing for her, as her bed was wet when I got there and realised the water had been seeping out of her arm.  I asked the sister why this was happening, and was told it was as a result of the drip that had been in her arm.  Little did I know, it was extreme heart and kidney failure.  Later on my brother told me that someone has said they often speak of a wet death .... when water seeps out of the body.  I remembered that my sisters step father in law had water seeping out of his legs before he died. 

When I got to my mother, the nurse said to me, she will not eat.  I bent down and said "mommy are you OK?"  her eyes were so sad and she mouthed to me in such a slight whisper.... help me I cannot breathe.  I lost it totally, and flew in a rage at the nurse - "you are the one who studied, you are the one with the badges on your shoulders, how can you try and push food down someone's throat when it is quite clear they are having a hard time breathing???!! ... why is she not on oxygen???"  Suddenly things started to happen they rushed in with the oxygen and checked her vital signs.  I sat with her holding her hand and my heart was shattered into a thousand pieces as I realised the time had come.  I could sense it, I could feel it, death was at the door knocking.  Just then my two daughters arrived, and I said "Ouma (granny in our language) is going to leave us"  My girls were shattered, they adored her,  we stood around her bed, spoke to her, and kept comforting her.  My eldest daughter said, mom I feel you should tell ouma we will take good care of oupa (grandpa) she does not have to worry.  I did this, and I could see a change in my mother.  She became peaceful and relaxed.

My mom was a devout Christian, a child of God.  She had gotten saved as a young lady and had served her Savior for as long as I can remember.  She read her Bible through once a year, but due to poor eyesight the past year could not read much.  She was at peace with her life, and knew that when she left this earth, she would be in the presence of the Lord.  As we sat with her, my mother opened her eyes and stared at something .... at times I thought she had died, for she stared in awe, and wonderment for an hour without blinking her eyes once.  It was incredible to witness.  Suddenly I noticed her breathing became shallow, and her vital signs began to drop.  I said to my daughters .... she is leaving us........... they cried and held onto her.  the breathing became more and more shallow, and suddenly it stopped and she closed her eyes,  It was as if she had fallen asleep.  Not a sound in the room, total silence, and a calm and peace filled every corner ... as we looked as her, realising she was gone a light shone on her face and she looked so peaceful.  My mom had no death rattle that they talk about ........ nothing she just closed her eyes and quietly left us.

We sat with my mother for 4 hours in the hospital ward before we could get her body removed.  Family rushed through..... my grandchildren, my husband,  I called my sister to break the news to her, and said do not tell daddy until I am there with you.  I called my brothers and said no need to come through mom is already gone.  I could not believe she had left us.  My heart was torn, ripped out, and my thoughts of telling my father lay like a mountain before me.  He doted on my mother.  They had been married for 66 years and still held hands and cuddled one another........... how were we going to tell him?  My heart ached for my dad, as I knew with his altzheimers he would keep forgetting she had gone and then relive her death over and over again.

Father, our Father in heaven ......... give us all the strength we need to get through this.  Once my mother was taken away, I dragged myself to my car, and drove to Pretoria to my sister...... tears flowed, it was the longest drive ever. I knew these few moments alone in my car would be the only time I really had to grieve my mother's death, as my father needed me now more than ever.

Hard Times

Where do I even begin to start?  My last blog was last year September and suddenly my life took such a turn and all I could do was try to keep up with it.  October last year, my mother had a slight stroke.  I was alarmed when my father called me to come over to their house, to find my mother sitting on the floor.  She says she sat on the bed and just slid off and my father cannot get her up alone.  Between the two of us, we got her onto her feet, hands on her walker, but she could not move at all.  I said, "Mommy walk to the bed"  she answers "I am trying but can't"  After quite a battle she shuffled her feet one after the other and we finally managed to get her into bed.

The following day, I had to drive to Pretoria to collect a Rottweiler puppy I had purchased, and asked my daughter Evonne to ride with me.  On our way home my husband called and told me that my mother had been in bed all day and did not look well at all.  He said to not drop my daughter off but to bring her with me so that we could get my mom into the car and take her to hospital.  We raced home and had such a battle between us to dress her and get her into the car.  She just could not seem to mobilise herself.  Once at the hospital, I explained what had happened the night before and mentioned that I thought she may have had a mild stroke.  I was given "that look" what would you know - we are the trained medical staff here and she was diagnosed with pneumonia.  What???  no way, I was very very sure it was a mild stroke.  Needless to say she was admitted and a few days later was back at home and her old self again.

Sad to say, from here on my mom just got progressively worse.  She was a strapping lady of over 90kgs and dwindled down to about 55kg;s.  Her mind seemed confused and as time went on she was hallucinating quite a bit, saw people in her house, wanted to know who the man was standing next to me.  This went on for a few months and she slowly began to withdraw into her own world.  She ate less and less, and just seemed to have no interest in life any more.  I was taking a lot of strain trying to take care of her, my father who was in the beginning stages of Altzheimers, and my mother in law of 97 living with us.  My brothers and sister and my children kept on insisting I get help, but I was determined to do this on my own and take care of my parents.  But, we are only human, and when I got to the stage that I had burnt the candle at both ends, the family put their foot down and got help for me.

Fortunate (that is her name) entered our lives just in time - how fortunate!  She helped me take care of my parents and was with them from early morning to early evening.  She fed my mother, helped me to undress her and put her in the shower, and once I had washed her, Fortunate would help me rub her body with cream and dress her again.  It was only at bedtime that I had to handle my mom alone, and it was not always an easy task as she had become a dead weight.  We had to do everything for her, and she was now on nappies.  Life became absorbed with taking care of her and my dad.  Luckily my mother in law is still very bright and does everything for herself - a blessing!  I cannot even begin to count the nights I would kiss my parents goodnight after settling them in, that I would lock their doors, and walk the 50 meters back to my house in tears.  I would look up to the sky and plead with God to heal them.  At times I was so tired and so down and then I would be irritated and not be who I should have been for my mother - but I realise I am only human..... however this would leave me with so much guilt that I would come home, run a hot bath and just weep.  Weep for them, for I was watching my mother who was slowly dying and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I felt so helpless, so alone and so afraid.

8th of February 2015 we celebrated my mom's 88th birthday.  All the children and most of the grandchildren and great grandchildren come for the day.  We put a recliner chair for her in the lapa outsite beside the pool,.  We sang her favorite hymns, and I could see she loved having her family around her.  She sang with, but at times was so tired that she fell asleep.  It was heartbreaking for us to see her like this.  She became quiet and spoke very little.  Her telephone calls to the family became non existent as she spoke too soft and was too short of breath.... life was slipping away .........

In April 2015, I went over one morning early, and found Fortunate washing my mother - we washed her in the mornings and only showered every third day as it was just too exhausting for her.  By this time, because she was not mobile she started to develop bedsores on her buttocks.  I dressed them and tended them regularly and won the battle with most of them.  This specific morning, I sat chatting to her but saw she was very pale and not very responsive.  I decided to rather let her get back into bed to rest that to sit in front with my dad and watch TV....as we stood her up and Fortunate held het so that I could pull up her nappy, I felt something warm fall on my had......... blood, and thick clots of blood were dropping from my mom.  I got such a fright, we laid her down and covered her and I ran to the phone to call for an ambulance.  When they arrived my mother's heart rate was below 60 and it took them almost 2 hours to stabilise her before taking the trip to the hospital.  At one stage they were calling for a helicopter to airlift her as they felt she was too weak to travel the 65km to the hospital.  I was beside myself, called my sister and brothers and children and rushed to the hospital.  She was admitted to ICU and was there for about a week and the later transferred to hight care for another week.

Living on a farm, we are far from any hospital, so my dad and I would leave early morning and drive to the hospital for visiting hours, then take a lunch somewhere close by, go back to the hospital and sit in the car and take a nap until it was afternoon visiting hours and then pack the long journey back home again.  this we did every day and it was exhausting especially for him as he was 87.

Well, my mom eventually came home, but she was never the same and just got more quiet, ate less and just slept most of the time.  My heart ached for her, and my dad as I could see how worried he was and how lonely and quiet their home had become.  I tried to spend as much time as I could with them.

July 2015, I was tending to my mother's bedsores, but this specific morning when I opened them, they had literally fallen into two holes.  It was so sudden and unexpected as they still looked good the previous day, so I rushed to the phone and called the wound sister and said I did not think I could get these healed and that I needed her help.  However, when I got back to my mom's room she was once again, non responsive and did not answer my questions..... I could see something was not right, so once again I called the ambulance, and informed the wound sister she did not need to come as my mother was going to hospital.

At this stage my dad was also not so well, he had a touch of flu, so I left him with Fortunate and raced off to Randfontein Life hospital once again.  On arrival at emergency I was informed that they had no beds available in ICU and that they were taking my mother to Net Care private hospital in Krugersdorp.  When I got to the hospital my mom was already there, and when she saw me she said "I have been looking everywhere for you"  My heart melted, I hugged and kissed her and said I am here mommy.  She was admitted to ICU again, and with drips and machines on her it all looked very daunting.  We were only allowed two people at a time in ICU.  My sister and I stood by her bedside and prayed.  Our hearts were breaking to see her like this.  Through it all she still managed to give us a weak smile.  The night sister called us aside and said, she needed to ask us something which was not an easy task to do.  She said, should my mom die, did we want them to resusitate her?  We cried and said no ... if God calls her home, who are we to bring her back..... and so the DNR forms were filled in and we signed them ...... what lay ahead of us, not one of us could ever have contemplated!